A week came and past. This whole week seem to be relatively relaxed. I quickly finish up all my adminstrative work then slack the whole day. Nothing big went on for the week except that it was my 2nd year anniversary with my girlfriend. Apart from that, i did an airborne jump on Friday- drunk. Yes drunk. I basically finished up the mess's beer like within an hour. 

My guys are back from Thailand and I am sad to hear that some dcs that i dont really like will get posted to the same company as me. Despite the slack week, i seem to have a lot of things up my mind. kns.

I think I have neglected this place for far too long. Probably it would just be appropriate for me to summarize a post of what has happened in my life so far. I was enlisted last year right after chinese new year. Went through 9 easy weeks of bmt(well at least it was the easiest phrase i had so far)





Thereafter, I stayed on at the institute for another 3 months of commando section leader course. We were all separated all over the place. Some went to become bomb experts whilst the rest either became weapon specialist or medics. The whole of 3 months, I went to hell and made it back safely. I was considered lucky not to sustain injuries as compared to the rest. However, the outfields were nonsensically crazy. 5 days, 7 days then 14days without sleep. It was like a mini-ranger for us. The load was back breaking, the feet were swelling. When it came to Taiwan, we prayed for the rain because the weather was too hot. Then came the rain, together with the typhoon. Everything hit us in a sudden. We were in the rain and darkness for 3 whole days. Our feet wrinkled and many of us suffered foot rot. I was glad everything ended. My feet seriously didn't look like they belong to mine anymore.

Before flying back to Singapore, I was informed, together with some others, that I had made it up to the interview board to crossover to OCS. Upon flying back, I basically prepared for the interview while those not selected helped to settle some store events. The board wasn't that hard. It was tricky yet some of the interviewers assured us that we already good enough to qualify for the officer school.

2 weeks later, Commander TI present the 20 of us crossing over with our 3SG ranks and the red beret. From there we went over to OCS. Separated into 2 wings, we joined the 83/11 cohort from the delta and foxtrot wing. It happened to be the tradition there for foxtrot and delta to hate one another, but we still stood by each other for we care for the fellow red berets. We heard stories that some of the infantry men despise the commandos; we were tasked the shittest job, carry the heaviest load, do the most troublesome work. Even so, there are those who are still willing to help us. 6 months came and go. We suffered the mountains in Brunei and gotten our badges. Taiwan was a breeze. Not forgetting the finale of our mission in OCS; to get commission. 14 Jan came by too rapid. I didnt even have enough time to spend with my friends that I had made. And so I went back to where I came from. 

For 2 and a half days straight, we were left alone to go back to where we commandos came from; Hendon. The whole idea of us having to go back was sort of the understand and understudy the lives of detachment commanders so as to bridge the gap when we come back from OCS.

The thing is there was not a lot of things that we had to study apart from commando tactics. Basically, we were all trained to do the dc role since CSLC and I guess the whole lot of us felt that we really benefitted to have us come back to battalion. Life in battalion is so much different from what we face in OCS. Of course, we get more freedom, less regimentation(not saying that there isn't). Things were done in a much efficient way, the men were closer, smarter and better.

The whole 2 days was more of a recharge for the commando cadets. Through talks and lectures, at least we were led to know that we are the special breed of men. People always differentiate us through the color of our headdress. Honestly, what we want to achieve at the end of the day, we are recognized not by the headdress we wear but rather for the person we truly are. Anyone can wear the red beret but what truly matters is what we actually believe in; our values, pride, honour and everything else. We are people who cherish brotherhood more than anyone else. Being fit is a culture and not a routine. Training hard is welfare and taking pride in what we do makes us the different breed of men. That's is why, we are the nation's best. And that is why, we are the best combat unit.

Over the past 2 days, our ego was re-boosted and our fire within was rekindled. This was partially the reason why the thought of signing on came back. What do I actually want to achieve when I sign on? Is it money or is it for the many opportunities which I am able to take to impact lives of people. At the end of the day, when your men pads your shoulder and tells you that you have changed his life, you are considered to be sucessful.

Probably gonna keep this real short. Brunei training was reainglly interesting because I get to see how an infantry platoon do their ridgeline fighting. 28 men all restricted by the terrain was really quite bad when it comes to an offensive mission. Well, at least I'm working with 11 other men in a detachment in the future and I guess thats not so bad. Apart from that, I get to see the true personality of others. Surprising, there are all sort of people around in the wing and the platoon. There are people who shut down completely when they are shagged out, there are people who keep quiet when they are usually wayang and there are some people who cannot control their emotions when they face physical and mental fatigue. I dont know for me but I was relatively composed. Afterall, I used to undergo training worst than that and terrain and weather way worst than in Brunei thus there was no reason for me to break down and be a burden to others within the section/platoon

After the transition from the infantry package to the jungle confidence course phrase, we were given more leeway as to what we had to do. We control the speed at which things are done. Inspection are done within minutes as compared to ones at wingline which may take as long as an hour. We do things their way aka the ranger way.

9days came and went and i got that well deserved piece of cloth.

Probably gonna do some quick update about my life so far. And so after CSLC, I crossover to Officer Cadet School to do my professional term for 6 months. Initially I thought the life in OCS would be relatively relaxed as compared to what I went through during the CSLC phrase.

Since young, it has always been my dream to enter into OCS to learn to be an officer and having gone through CSLC, I thought my life would be a breeze. Apparently, things were not what I expect it to be. I was posted to DELTA wing aka Scholar's wing( I don't know how I ended up there). I don't know if its me or what but I feel that things could be done in a simple yet efficient manner. Thing is, the cadets love to talk and discuss a lot. I guess it's the culture in which they were taught. Probably had to get used to that.

Apart from that, outfield in OCS is rather relaxed(not that I'm saying it's not tough). I'll be leaving for Brunei in a few hours time. Guess, I'm back to where I came from...

Problems, Problems and more problems.

Brunei in 2 days time...

A few months back, I was at this very same spot waiting for my buddy to head over to France. This time round, the whole agenda is totally different. I'm going over to Taiwan doing my national service.

Honestly speaking, I'm looking forward to this trip. To me, it's do or die. Whether I make it to OCS would depend on how well I perform on this journey. Giving up would be easy. Hanging on is a whole new story. Over the past few days, I've been pondering about what happens after the 2 years of NS. No one would actually remember that I am from the best combat unit. Commando? Nah, its just 2 years of regular national service.

What am I fighting for? Pride? Honour? No doubt, NS is fun. Like it or not, at the end of the day, I'm gonna lead a group of men. No matter how tough life would get, I'm gonna lead them well. For honour and glory

Guess this probably would be the last time I blog before I leave for my 2 outfield trainings. Just last week, I've gotten a commando gold for my ippt. Surprisingly, I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. Attaining commando gold seems to be the norm is CSLC so perhaps I don't feel the joy of getting it.

As we approach the final phrase of our course, I'm really glad to say that I've survived the past few weeks. No doubt, things inside camp are tough and demanding, I'm happy that I had made a few nice friends. Though they maybe not be the best of friends yet, I do hope that the tough time ahead would bond us. At the same time, there are people who disgusted me. I shall not elaborate any further.

Just yesterday, I had a wonderful dinner with my teammates from canoeing. Personally, I feel that most of us are drifting further and further apart. Army guys talking amongst themselves while school boys talking abt school work leaving only the girls to themselves. Probably the reason why we drifted is due to the fact that nothing is holding us together. Si hui's leaving for studies. The rest have their own agenda in life. I'm in commando working my ass out and hoping to get into OCS. However, I'm grateful for the wonderful 2 years spent with them. No matter how far the team drifts apart, at least I know I have awesome memories of them and that's good enough honestly.

Rowlikehell yeah?

 Almost 1 month into the course and I'm starting to feel the heat already. For the past 4 weeks, its lesson, outfield, practical and test. Now that we are left with the final phase before we head outfield for good, somehow or another, my drive seems to go to all time low. Honestly I have never been like that before, not even when I felt like quiting the team 2 years back.

During TAG, we had to sit indoors cause of the weather. OC made some of us(including me) to introduce myself as a practice for the interview if I get chosen to go for OCS. I ended up pouring away the experience I had as vice captain of the team. How we manage to start of fresh with new rowers while other schools had the upper end of having experienced rowers. How we actually manage to push each other for training and motivate ourselves even though our results weren't the best at that point of time. I miss those days where I go to school to train and study. At least I knew what am I targeting for.

But for now, its been 4 weeks and I can't visualize what am I going to be at the end of the 3month course. An officer or a non commissioned specialist. No doubt, I always wanted to be an officer even before I entered junior college. I even had the weirdest dream to sign on for life cause I was in NCC. Things are actually different; we have our freedom taken away(its not like we can go home to rest after every tough training). Sometimes we just do things for the sake of doing so I guess this contributes partially as to why my motivation is at the all time low level.

Personally, I feel that I have 2 options now. It's either I start training hard and still have the OCS goal in mind, or I'll just take the easy way out and just follow instructions and play my part. It's hard competing inside here especially when I'm not exactly as fit to start with. I guess the only way to surpass most of them is using my mind. Ultimately, I wouldn't be disappointed if I dont make it to OCS. No go means no go. All I could do is just to respect the decision made from my boss. 

Self-doubt is the hardest fight, ever.

 First week of Commando section leader course has officially past. Coming down to 11 weeks, I doubt this is going to be an easy ride. Honestly speaking, I hadn't had any proper rest throughout the week and not forgetting about getting turned out on book out day. The fact that the instructors kept emphasizing that we are leaders by choice(meaning, we chose to come here) really made me think through what am I going to go through for the next 11 weeks.

However, what make sense is that we might get turn out anytime when there's a war going on. We need to get prepared for any shit that is coming to come. Being prepared is the most important phrase that anyone should know. At least, the turn out was worth it cause of the jungle caps and the ranks presentation and not forgetting the combat risk pay that I would be getting every month.

Leader course is indeed very competitive. Almost every trainee achieve like commando gold in their IPPT standard and some of them are freaking combat fit. It's going to be a tough fight for me I guess.  In contrast, I was also quite surprised that some others who do not possess leadership( if you guys know what I mean). Well, to me, it's just a learning course for us. We learn to survive with little or no food/rest. I'm about to find out my breaking point real soon. 

As far as I'm concerned, I would be most contended to actually survive through this course. I was speaking to my fellow course mates during my guard duty on the damn public holiday. Everything he said was actually sense. He mentioned that we only live once and if we let our thoughts bring us down, it wouldn't be worth it. Inside us, there are so many "what ifs". What if it's the wrong thing? What if the instructor finds out? what if i die. So many what ifs, then who is going to get the work done. 

I think he had that mindset partially cause he was from a polytechnic. Guess that's the difference between JCs and Poly students. It's really good to listen to people share their thoughts. Self- doubt is my worst enemy. I'm gonna hold on to every single hope I can find in myself to get through this. OCS, I'm coming for you. For honor and glory